Funny Answering Machine Greetings

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

 

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

 

Hi. Now you say something.

 

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

 

Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

 

Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain silent.  Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

 

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.